


Be Still My Love

by Wolvesta



Series: Wolf’s Den of 9-1-1 Stories [3]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Buck is a great guy, Buck needs a hug, Christopher Diaz is a National Treasure, Christopher is sick, Eddie isn't nice at first, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Feels, Gen, Getting Together, Guilt, Isolation, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Medical Inaccuracies, Medical Procedures, Men Crying, Mental Anguish, Misunderstandings, Muteness, Parental Love, Post-lawsuit, References to Depression, Sign Language, Slow Burn, Sorry Not Sorry, bone marrow transplant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2020-01-22
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:28:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21922918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolvesta/pseuds/Wolvesta
Summary: Prompt: During the lawsuit or after, Christopher gets dangerously sick and needs a bone marrow transplant or something like that. Eddie can’t donate but Buck gets tested and is a match. With him on the outs he goes through the process alone and saves Chris. Eddie is furious at Buck for “abandoning” them. When he next sees Buck Eddie says some awful things, Buck just takes it without complaint. Buck nearly dies but when the truth comes out all hell breaks loose. Eddie will do anything to have Buck back
Relationships: Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: Wolf’s Den of 9-1-1 Stories [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1551724
Comments: 113
Kudos: 1052





	1. Chapter 1

“You’re a match Mr. Buckley” 

“I am? Are you sure?” 

“Yes we have checked and rechecked the test and it is conclusive that you are a match for Christopher Diaz.” 

“How soon can we get the transplant done?” 

“Looking over everything and if you’re free, within the next two hours if that is ok with you Mr. Buckley” 

“That’s perfect, I’ll do it now” the attending nurse then gave some paperwork for Buck to fill out. He had never felt so relieved about something medical in his life than he was at this moment. Christopher was going to be ok and Eddie doesn’t need to worry about anything anymore. Even though he is at odds with the team because of his lawsuit, he needs to do this, if not for Eddie, for the kid that stole his heart. 

{~}{~} 

Buck had just gotten to his house from the team bonding of destroying shit. He wanted and hoped to explain his side but of course, they wouldn’t see his side. He just wants to get back to them, but Bobby thinks he isn’t ready. But he is ready, after everything he has been through, he needs to go back to work so he can focus his energy through helping others. He knows that depending on this job and the others aren’t healthy, but he has no other choice. Being a firefighter is his life, and what Maddie and the others don’t understand is that even though he knows that they will still love him if he wasn’t a firefighter, it’s the only thing he can do that he is good at. They don’t understand because they have things outside of the job. They have significant others, hobbies, and children to define who they are, but when looking at Buck...he has no one. His apartment is empty, and it will continue to be that way. Maddie would come over and it would fill with a little bit of life, but when she leaves, the light is gone and it’s quiet. When he told Maddie this, she got him an Alexa as a gift to play music, and while he was thankful for it and the ability to play music, that’s not what he meant. He was tired of being alone in an empty apartment. They say home is where the heart is...but that would mean-no there’s no time to think about that. 

Eddie had verbally torn him apart, saying that he was selfish for not being there for Christopher...but he thinks he can be a little bit after everything he’s been through. It’s not his job to look after Christopher like Eddie does. He accused Buck of abandoning Christopher but Eddie never reached out before or after, so why should he be blamed for Eddie’s mistakes? Because of the constant silence in his apartment, Buck has had so much time to think, and he has realized that he gives the 118 his everything, but the one time he decides to do something for himself they all call him selfish. Buck wasn’t there for the Diaz family because no one told him that he had to be, and he didn’t expect to be needed. 

_They don’t see his pain_

But apparently it doesn’t matter now because it’s not about him, it’s poor Christopher. After Eddie had told him how selfish he’s being he told him how Christopher is sick and how much he misses his Buck. Alarms went off in Buck’s head right then and there, he asked for some more information but then the idiots outside interrupted the conversation and everyone else ran outside to deal with it. 

That’s when he called Lena. He didn’t want to call her, but what choice did he have? He remembers her telling him, in explicit detail what was wrong with Christopher. 

_“Oh apparently he has something called congenital neutropeni. Eddie told me that the kid needs a bone marrow transplant so he can get better. Everyone volunteered themselves but none of us are a match so Eddie is freaking out and is stressed as fuck. Maybe you’re a match Buckley”_

So Buck went to the hospital the very next day and volunteered his blood to see if he was a match. 

_And he is_

{~}{~} 

It’s an hour before the operation and Buck sees Eddie leaving the hospital room to fill out some paperwork with the nurse. Buck then quickly sneaks into the room and Christopher lights up like a Christmas tree when he sees his Buck come in. 

“Buck!” 

“Hey Superman. How we doing?” 

“Daddy says the doctors found a match and I’m going to get better!” 

“That’s amazing champ, I’m so happy for you” Christopher smiles but then looks down “What’s wrong bud?” 

“I’m scared Bucky...I don’t like the hospital” 

“I know what you mean buddy, I’m not a fan of the hospital either. But it’s ok because I’ll be here ok? And your dad will be here, your abuela and your aunt will all be here when you wake up ok?” Christopher nods and then smiles. “Listen Chris I need to go before your dad comes back” 

“Are you and daddy still fighting?” Christopher asks in a small voice and it breaks Buck’s heart. He wants to tell Christopher the truth, but how does he tell a ten-year-old what was really going on? 

“Listen Chris, your dad is mad at me because of something I did, it isn’t his fault ok? And it isn’t yours either, so I’m going to go before he comes back so you can get better faster. I’ll see you after the surgery ok? And don’t tell your dad I was here ok? I don’t want him to get mad” Christopher nods and Buck kisses him on the top of his head. He’s able to slip out of the room before Eddie turns the corner and reenters the room. Buck is able to see Eddie from his corner and sees that Eddie is smiling a happy but tearful smile with his son. He must have just gotten the good news. 

Buck returns to his room and begins to fill out his own fair share of paperwork. When looking at the part where it asks if the donor wishes to remain anonymous, Buck stops to think for a moment. If he checks yes, then Eddie will never know it was him who gave it to Christopher and nothing will change. But on the other hand, if he checks no then Eddie will know it was him and maybe he will be back in good graces with the team. But then he remembers what his sister told him: that they need to forgive him without a grand gesture. Buck had already told them that he dropped the lawsuit, but they still hadn’t forgiven him. After a week of being back at work he still wasn’t being talked to, given the hard chores but he did them without any complaint. If his team is going to forgive him, it should be because they do, and not because he's potentially saving the life of Christopher. 

_Would the donor like to remain anonymous?_ Buck checks the **yes** box. 

_Would the donor like the hospital staff to reach out to anyone before or after surgery?_ Buck checks the **no** box. 

{~}{~} 

“Mr. Buckley, I highly advise you not to do this. You’ve just finished having a bone marrow surgery and you need to rest.” 

“I understand doctor, but I would like to go home, I know the kid I donated to, but I can’t be here when he wakes up, I just want to go home and sleep.” 

“Very well, would you like us to contact anyone to come pick you up?” 

“No thanks. There’s no one to contact” Buck says as he slowly puts on his shoes. The doctor shakes their head at the situation. Their patient should be regarded as a hero, he just saved a kid’s life, and as much as they want Eddie Diaz to meet the man who saved his kids' life, he asked to remain anonymous. 

“Take these antibiotics to prevent infection and please come back in about a week to make sure there are no complications. Please come back immediately if you experience faint because that could be a cause for alarm. Let the nurse wheel you out and thank you for being a donor.” The doctor says as Buck takes the paper and pills from the nurse. The nurse wheels Buck out to the parking lot and he sits on a bench to wait for his Uber. He looks at the sky and breathes a sigh of relief. 

He did it, Christopher is going to be ok and he can rest easy now. Buck knows that he shouldn’t have checked out against medical advice, but he didn’t want to stick around and bump into Eddie or the others. He saw Bobby, Hen, and Chim crowding around Christopher as he was waking up and he couldn’t help but smile. 

Yes, it hurt knowing that he isn’t in the room with them, but Christopher is going to get better and that’s all that matters. When his Uber arrives, he gets in the car and politely asks if he can charge his phone, the driver obliges and hands Buck the appropriate charger. 

When Buck finally gets some reception, he wants to cry at the fact that he has no messages. Eddie hasn’t texted him about Christopher, and even though he knows, it still would have been nice to be kept in the loop, especially when Eddie knows that Buck would do anything for Christopher. No one from the team has texted him either about anything. So not only is Eddie keeping him out of the loop, so it everyone else. 

Buck finds himself being glad that he remained anonymous, that way he doesn’t have to face the bitter truth that no one really cared about him. 

_No one cares about him_

And this thought is tossed around in his head until the driver drops him off at his apartment complex. And it keeps ringing in his head when he puts his phone on the charging station, changes into something comfortable, drags himself under the covers and falls asleep. 

{~}{~} 

Buck isn’t sure what time it is when he comes to, but he knows that it’s early. He rolls over to his phone to check the time and is alarmed when he sees his lock screen. 

_6:30 AM_

_Friday October 11_

But it can’t be, Buck came home from the hospital on Monday...has he been asleep for an entire day? Buck rubs the sleep out of his eyes so he can focus. He stretches and he should feel guilty for sleeping an entire day but...it’s the best sleep he’s gotten in a very long time that wasn’t plagued with any sort of nightmares. Buck unlocks his phone after turning off do not disturb and his notifications are instantly being bombarded with missed calls, voicemails and text messages. He scrolls down the list of all things missed: 

_87 missed notifications_

_30 missed calls_

_31 text messages_

_16 voicemails_

_10 missed FaceTime calls_

_Oh shit..._ Buck has to be into work in about two hours, he can just explain to everyone then. 

Except when he gets to work, no one is looking at him in the eye but he can feel the anger and coldness just radiating off of everyone. He’s about to go into the locker room and change but he hears the captain call his name in an angry voice. 

“Buckley!” Bobby’s voice rings out through the whole pit. Everyone’s head turn to look at Buck. Some in worry, some in concern, and some in plain curiosity. Buck gulps nervously and looks up to where Hen, Chim, Bobby and Eddie are looking down at him. None of them look happy to see him, but Eddie looks about ready to tear his head off. 

_And he has a pretty good idea as to why_

“Y-Yes?” 

“Up here...now!” Bobby says it in a tone that leaves no room for any argument not resistance. Buck puts his bag down by the entrance of the locker room and hesitantly goes up the stairs. 

“What do you have to say for yourself Buckley?” Bobby asks the moment he steps onto the last step, now eye level with everyone. When Buck doesn’t say anything right away, Eddie looks livid. 

“Where the fuck were you?” Eddie cuts in angry. “Christopher is sick...he needed a bone marrow transplant and thank God the doctors found a match. He got a transplant yesterday and he’s been asking for you. But you wouldn’t know that since you haven’t been around.” Eddie practically spits out the words and it takes all of Buck’s willpower not to flinch when Eddie gets in his face. It’s eerily similar to the scene in the grocery store when Eddie accused him of the very same thing. 

“I-is he ok?” Buck knows that Christopher is still in the hospital recovering, and he knows that he will be coming home today because he talked to the nurse before he left. But knowing information from Eddie is different that learning it from a third party. 

“Oh, now you want to know if he’s ok? Why should I tell you if he’s ok or not? You weren’t there when he needed you? A complete stranger cares more about my son than you do! I don’t you coming near him anytime soon, understand?” Eddie almost spits in Buck’s face and shoves past him to go to the hospital. Buck wants to follow but he knows that will only end in disaster. He looks behind him and sees Hen and Chim looking at him with anger as well. 

“Buck we’ve been trying to call you since yesterday, did something happen? Maddie was worried sick” Chim speaks up after what seems like a long time. 

“I don’t know I went to sleep and I guess I slept through a whole day. Do Not Disturb was on and it usually turns off around 6:00AM but I guess I still didn’t hear anything...I’m sorry” 

“It’s not us you have to apologize to, Eddie needed you to be there and you weren’t” Bobby supplies and that hurt. Buck was there for Christopher; they just didn’t know it. And he knows that if he tells them who really was the ‘anonymous’ donor, they will say they are sorry, but it won’t be a real apology. They will say they are sorry for assuming Buck wasn’t there for Chris but it will not feel like a genuine apology because Buck would have to tell them the truth. And he asked to remain anonymous for a reason. Buck says nothing as Bobby dismisses him to go change. Buck walks off without saying a word to anyone and it only angers everyone more. Buck goes into the locker room to change but is stopped by Eddie. 

“Eddie...please just tell me-” 

“Tell you what? How my son is doing? Why do you care? You haven’t cared before” 

“That is not true Eddie. How was I supposed to know he was sick, you never told me anything!” Buck says, raising his voice and he knows it’s the wrong thing to do because Eddie looks livid. 

_And it scares Buck more than he would like to admit to himself_

“I wouldn’t have to tell you anything if you were around Buck. You filed a stupid lawsuit and look where it got you, I couldn’t talk to you because of it. Christopher needed you and you weren’t there for him! Even now when I tried to call you, you didn’t answer your fucking phone! Do you know how hard it is to explain to my son why you won’t come see him? He thinks it’s his fault...so if you’ll excuse me, please get out of my way so I can take my son home.” Eddie turns away to leave and Buck reaches out to grab his arm to stop him but in an unexpected turn of events, Eddie yanks his arm out of Buck’s hold and shoves him against the wall...hard. 

_By a sheer for of will power, Buck doesn’t scream or cry out in pain when his hips hit the cold metal of the lockers._

The incisions are still fresh and bruised and Buck is forced to listen to Eddie when he tells him not to touch him. Eddie then turns to leave and buck doesn’t stop him this time. Instead he slumps to the ground and tries not to cry at the mess he’s made. 

_He only wanted to help_

* * *

Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment! 

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	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little holiday gift to you all! Happy Holidays! <3

It’s about one day later when Buck feels himself unable to get up from his bed, his leg is hurting and his hips are hurting too. He knows that he can’t be late for work...but should he even go in? Bobby has stuck him on chores and that’s all he has been doing for the past week. And to matters worse, he has to bend down most of the time and his recent surgery is proving to him that it is painful. He knows he should stay at home to rest but he would then have to tell the others the truth, and he already knows how it’s going to go. So he doesn’t say a word and drags himself to the shower. Trying his very hardest not to limp. 

When Buck takes off his shirt, he can see a sea of purple and blue extending from his lower back to his sides. He turns to the side and sees the incisions are angry and irritated from not being in gauze. Buck knows it looks worse because of the blood thinners but he finds himself not caring anymore. If the others don’t care about him, then why should he. 

As the hot steamy water runs down his body, he sighs in contentment at the warmth that his muscles are welcoming. He knows he shouldn’t stay in the shower too long because he does have to get into work. 

It takes everything to drag himself out of the shower and drive himself to work. Where he knows what will await him. 

{~}{~} 

Just as he expected, no one greets him when he walks into the station that morning. 

What isn’t expected is Christopher to be there, smiling and laughing without a care in the world. Buck feels a huge weight come off his heart and chest at the sight of Chris being so happy he can't help but break out into a grin. He laughs quietly at the sight of Chris clapping on the couch, it looks like he’s better. Before Buck can sneak off Christopher spots him 

“BUCK!” his smile gets even brighter and Buck moves towards him without hesitation. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Eddie and the others glaring at him, even Maddie is there but she is on her phone to see the tension coming off of everyone. No doubt she would have jumped into his defense if she saw what was happening. Before Buck can get to the couch where Christopher is, he feels a rough hand grab his arm and he is pulled back. When he looks up, he sees Eddie holding him back from seeing the kid. Buck’s heart breaks when he remembers what Eddie told him the other day. But before Eddie can completely pull Buck away from the group, Christopher calls out to him 

“Buck! Come here I need to tell you something” Buck then wrestles his way out of Eddie’s hold and then goes to where Christopher is. 

“I’m all better thanks to you Buck,” Christopher says in a quiet voice so only Buck can hear him. Buck smiles and ruffles Christopher’s hair. 

“I’m so glad buddy. And I’m so proud of you” Buck smiles proudly at the kid and Christopher feels happy knowing his Buck helped him. 

“As sweet as this is, Buck has to leave and get to his chores, Christopher. He can talk to you later” Bobby steps in and it takes Buck a moment to remember not to frown or give away any type of discomfort around Christopher, the kid is more observant than people give him credit for. So Buck hesitantly picks himself up from where he was bending down to interact with Christopher and left. But not before squeezing Christopher’s shoulder in reassurance and encouragement. 

“Bye Buck!” Christopher waves and he, and Buck thinks he can make it through the day. But the thought is quickly diminished when he goes to the locker room and sees Eddie waiting for him at the bottom of the stairs. 

Buck knows what is going to happen next and he can’t avoid it as much as he wants to. 

So Buck gets to the bottom of the steps and just looks at Eddie, waiting for the inevitable verbal abuse to come. 

And it did. 

“I told you not to come near my son,” Eddie says as he got in his face. Buck knows that Eddie is waiting for him to respond, but he is done trying to defend himself from the people he looked like a family, so he says nothing. Buck simply turns away from Eddie and intends to go to the locker room but then is stopped when Eddie responds: 

“What you aren’t going to respond to me? Have you realized we were right in saying you were selfish and abandoned us? Have you finally realized what a mistake it was for Bobby to let you back on the team? Never talk to Christopher or me again” Eddie says in a completely normal voice but it might as well have been a shout. Buck hears nothing else but that last sentence. 

Don’t they know what he gave up to get back to them? Don’t they know that he could have taken the money and never looked back? He gave them everything, but it’s still not enough. 

_Eddie, the man he fell in love with, hates him because of not being there._

But it isn’t his fault...Eddie shouldn’t have depended on him so much. Buck was and still is going through some things...mentally, physically and emotionally. Bobby told him he isn’t ready to come back and that messed with his head. The one thing he is good at was taken away from him in an instant. And just like everything else that was taken away from him, he didn’t get a choice in the matter. He is sick and tired of everyone making the decisions for him. So, when the time came to decide if he should stand by and watch Christopher die, or give a small but essential part of himself to him? It was a simple decision and it should all be good now. 

_But it’s not because he’s witnessing the fallout of his unknown actions first hand._

With the last sentence ringing out in his head, Eddie scoffs and ascends the stairs to be with his son. Buck wants to follow him because he knows what can heal the hurt...Christopher. But Eddie and the others hate him and he can’t bear another moment with the hate in their eyes. His parents hated him for existing, his many one-night stands hated him for not calling them back...he’s been hated most of his life, but now it’s worse because it was coming from the people, he considered his family...but now? 

Buck subconsciously rubs at his chest, which is throbbing with hurt as he stumbles into the locker room. He can’t breathe, he’s had a hard time doing that lately...he can never seem to breathe. So he doesn’t and he feels himself hit the ground...and it hurt...but he should be used to that by now because everything hurts. 

{~}{~} 

“Daddy where’s Buck?” Christopher asks as Eddie makes his way back to where everyone else is upstairs. 

“He had to do his chores buddy,” Eddie said simply because it was the truth. 

“But I want to see him...please daddy?” Eddie hates that his son is asking for the one person that wasn’t there for him when he needed him the most. Eddie knows he and the others are being unfair to Buck in the way that they are treating him...but Eddie can’t seem to shake the anger off of his person. He’s been so angry lately and he knows it isn’t healthy. But with the combination of almost losing his son twice in about 2 months and everything that happened with Buck and Shannon, he can’t feel anything but angry. 

He does, however, feel panic and concern when he goes into the locker room to grab Buck. To say he’s sorry for what he said not even a moment ago, to grab him for his son who wants to see him more than anything or to even explain what’s going on in his head, but all of the things he wants to do fly out the window when he sees Buck passed out on the floors of the locker rooms. 

Eddie instantly panics because Buck was fine not even ten minutes ago. Eddie gently turns Buck onto his back and is alarmed when his breathing is labored and limited. 

“Somebody please help!” He calls out, hoping someone, anyone hears his pleading from behind the closed doors of the locker room but luckily someone does. Athena is walking in the station when he sees Eddie kneeling on the floor with a clearly unconscious Evan Buckley on the floor. Athena then yells something that Eddie can’t hear and the 118 plus Maddie rush down the stairs. Athena opens the door for them and tells Eddie she’ll watch Christopher. 

“Buck! What happened to him?” Maddie asks in a worried voice but she makes sure to stand out of the way of the others so they have room to work. She gets a bad feeling in her chest and she looks at Eddie, who has a look of guilt on his face. “Eddie what did you do?” 

“I-I didn’t-I don’t know...I found him this way” Eddie says in a panicked voice and it takes all of his willpower not to breakdown at the site Buck not breathing. 

{~}{~} 

The 118 is stuck in the waiting room as doctors and nurses swarm Buck and take him into an operating room. They all slowly sat down in chairs and had no choice but to wait. They don’t have to wait too long before a doctor rushes out to find them to ask them the standard questions from current medications to medical history and she answers them with ease. But she stops short when the doctor asks is he has had any recent surgeries. 

“Has he had any surgeries recently? Like in a week or two?” 

“Not that we know of...why is he ok?” Maddie asks with worry laced in her voice. 

“We’re just making sure we have all of the bases covered with Mr. Buckley” says the doctor but then gets called back.

“That boy is a goddamn hero,” says a voice behind them all and they see Athena walking in with Christopher riding on her shoulders. Eddie goes to take his son from Athena’s shoulders but is stopped when he sees Christopher’s face is red and swollen with drying tear tracks. 

“I’m sorry Eddie before I got up the stairs, he was already looking through the glass and he saw Buck go into the ambulance. He immediately freaked out and wanted to come here and wouldn’t stop crying until he saw Buck was ok...I’m sorry for bringing him here, I know it might not be the best place for him to be since he got out.” Athena says in an apologetic voice. She knew how much Eddie didn’t want the kid to see the guy he sees as a hero hurt in the hospital. But the second the ambulance doors closed, Christopher wanted to follow, even if he had to use his crutches the entire way to the hospital, he wanted to see his Buck. Athena remembers gently telling him that Buck will be ok but Christopher cried for his Buck. She heard what he did for the kid and she couldn’t be prouder of her pseudo-son. Athena gets on her knees so Christopher can slide off and she hands him the crutches she’s been holding in her hands. She gently grabs his shoulders; 

“Listen, baby, Buck saved you, so now we’re going to be here for him so he can get better alright?” Athena asked in a motherly voice and it seemed to perk up Christopher right away. 

“Hey, Christopher!” says a voice from afar and everyone turns to see a nurse in purple scrubs coming towards them. “How are you doing champ?” 

“Nurse Jade! Bucky is here in the hospital...” 

“How come? Did he push himself too far and got himself stuck here?” asks the nurse and shakes their head when Christopher confirms this. She then turns to address the others staring at them. “You are all so lucky to have such a generous and kind-hearted man as Evan Buckley in your lives. The man is a hero for this kid.” She turns to face Chris “How’s the new bone marrow treating you?” 

“Buck gave it to me so I’m strong like he is!” 

“That you are. I have to get back to work now ok? I’ll see you around!” The nurse turns to take their leave and isn’t aware of the silence and shock they are leaving behind. 

“They said the donor was anonymous...th-that’s impossible...it can’t be,” Eddie says as he tries to fit the piece of what he’s heard together. “Christopher the person who donated their bone marrow to you was a stranger, so we won’t get-” Christopher surprises everyone by interrupting Eddie and cutting off his sentence. 

“No, dad! It was Buck! He gave me the bone marrow I needed. He saved me...he’s my hero” Christopher says with a look of admiration that Eddie has only seen for Buck. But it can’t be true...then that would mean- 

“Christopher, can you explain how you know it was Buck?” Eddie asks, hoping to get a clear picture. Hoping that he and the others haven’t made a horrible unforgivable mistake. 

“He was in the room when it happened” 

{~}{~} 

_“Ok Christopher, are you ready?” attending Nurse Jade walks into the room after speaking with Eddie. When Christopher nods a nervous yes, Nurse Jade gently pushes the bed to the operating room after placing the IV with nutrients on the attached hook. Christopher nervously hugs a bear that his abuela gave him as a gift. As he gets closer and closer to the room, he can feel his heart rate pick up but tries to breathe as his Buck showed him. Nurse Jade then places a heated weighted blanket on Christopher and while it helps his nerves significantly, it still doesn’t completely calm him down._

_“Christopher sweetie, I’m going to put in a liquid in your IV and it will put you to sleep so we can do the procedure. And when you wake up, you will be better again ok?” Christopher nods yes and he hears some doors opening to the right of him. He looks in that direction and sees someone that will always help him._

_“Buck!”_

_“Hey buddy”_

_“What are you doing here?”_

_“I’m here to give you the bone marrow you need,” Buck says as he winks._

_“You’re the donor?! Does that mean I’ll grow big and strong like you Buck?”_

_“You’re already so brave and strong buddy. I couldn’t be prouder of you than I am right now.” Christopher reaches out a hand and Buck recuperates, holding his tiny hand in hopes of calming him down._

_“As sweet as this is, we need to get started but we can’t because Christopher’s heart rate is elevated and it could cause a bad reaction to the anesthesia.” Nurse Jade says to both of them and Buck understands._

_“Christopher look at me. You’re going to be ok kiddo, I’m here.”_

_“I’m scared Bucky...” Buck feels the bed shifting and the nurse is pushing Buck closer to Christopher on the other bed. Buck can put his hand on Christopher’s shoulders and he simply scoots closer to Buck._

_“I know you’re scared Chris and that’s ok.” Buck pulls Christopher as close to him as he can, mindful of the wires and begins to hum a tune like he always has to calm Chris down. And it works. Buck looks at the nurse and nods his head and the nurse injects a clear liquid into the IV and he can feel Chris start to relax._

_“Be still my love, you’re going to be ok” is the last thing Christopher hears and before he knows it, he wakes up in his room with his family looking over him. But the one person he wants isn’t there._

{~}{~} 

Christopher had just finished explaining the story and Eddie has to force himself to listen to every word that his son is saying. The moment Christopher finished explaining the story, Eddie wanted to do so many things but couldn’t. He wanted to run to where Buck is and thank him for the rest of his life for saving his son. He wanted to crawl into a hole to disappear and hide from the mess he’s made; he wants to hug his son and thank whoever is willing to listen that the miracle of a man by the name of Evan Buckley came into their lives. But he doesn’t do any of that. Instead, he sits up and looks around to the little group and everyone excluding Maddie and Athena has a look of guilt on their faces. 

The horrible realization that they’ve treated one of their own with such malice and disgrace when he should have had their praise and appreciation this entire time. Eddie sees the others talking but all he can hear is the blood roaring in his ears. 

“Buck is my hero! I-is he going to be ok?” Christopher asks and Eddie can’t help but the pain in his heart at the sound of his son sounding so unsure, but Maddie steps in and takes over. 

“Don’t worry sweetie, our Buck is a fighter and whatever is wrong with him, he’ll come back to us and me. He’ll come back to all of us” Maddie said with a voice of confidence and oh if she only knew. Chimney is looking at her with sadness in his eyes. He wants to explain everything to Maddie and it might cost him the relationship he’s grown to love, but she deserves the truth. 

“M-Maddie...” Chim begins but is interrupted when the doctor comes back to the group. 

“Mr. Buckley is going to be fine. We ran some tests and there are two things. One, it seems that he has caught a serious but curable infection called Staph infection where the incisions were made and it is now inside his body. He has been taking his antibiotics because they were present in his system when we withdrew some blood. This sometimes happens when the patient is under very high stress, has Mr. Buckley been exposed to any high stress recently?” Eddie then panics because of high stress? Their job is the definition of high stress, but he hasn’t gone out on any calls because they benched him. 

It was then that the horrible realization that this was entirely their fault. Eddie finds himself unable to breathe at this thought. Eddie had mentally and physically broken his best friend because of a misunderstanding. The doctor then goes to explain what other injuries they found on Buck and Eddie has to force himself to listen. 

“We also found bruising where the incisions are, has he hit himself on anything in that area? Because we found some nasty bruises and it seems Mr. Buckley may have hit himself on accident so please watch out for that area because that area tends to be tender and sore following a bone marrow extraction. On another note...” Eddie doesn’t hear anymore. He feels sick at the sentence and wants to throw up. He feels anxiety, guilt, self-loathing, and something else hit him at once and it throws him for a loop. 

_I pinned him...I threw him against the lockers...what did I do?_

Eddie begins to panic at the horrible thought that he hurt his best friend. Does he even deserve to call him that anymore? Buck went above and beyond what was asked of him, he didn’t need to get himself tested to see if he was a match. He didn’t need to donate to his son. He didn’t need the shit that his supposed family put him through, but he did it all without receiving any word of thank you and after all Eddie and the others put him through, he still wanted to make sure Christopher was ok. 

Looking around Eddie can see similar thoughts going through the heads of everyone else. Hen had silent tears running her face, she wiped them but more would fall. Chim was staring at Maddie with a look of guilt in his eyes but she didn’t see him. She was still talking to the doctor. Bobby...Bobby had a look of fondness and guilt in his features. He was the furthest away from the group and was staring holes in the ground. Athena was busy entertaining Christopher and was oblivious to the tension and emotions in the room. Eddie...Eddie was the worst one in the room. Because of him, his best friend, who saved his son’s life, is suffering because of him. He didn’t ask for anything in return and Eddie should have been treating him like royalty after everything he’s done for him. 

Eddie has never felt so ashamed in his life. Breaking his wife and causing her to leave doesn't compare with the anguish running through his heart. No beating from strangers nor bad calls was as horrible as this. He wronged someone who means the world to him, but now he fears he may not have any chance nor right to tell Buck how much he means to him. Buck deserved his gratitude and respect and who was instead given his irritation and disdain. He was angry at the situation and he used it to hate Buck...but he never meant to hurt him so badly. 

_But he had, and now he has to deal with what he’s done_

{~}{~} 

Maddie is beyond pissed. 

She was the first to see Buck when the doctor gave them the ok to see him. It didn’t take long for Buck to wake up but he hadn’t said anything when he did. He looked around and saw Maddie. She smiled but when he didn’t say anything, she asked: 

**_Are you ok?_** But instead of asking verbally, she signed. 

**_No._** ** _..not_ ** **_really_ ** Buck signs back and that’s all she able to get out of him when Chimney walks in. 

“You two know sign language?” 

“Our mother was hard of hearing, so I taught Buck sign language and we talk like this sometimes. It comes in handy when you’re a firefighter. **Right, Buck?** ” She signs the last part to her brother and he signs back with a yes. 

**_What happened? I heard what you did for Christopher. That was so amazing of you Evan. I’m proud of you little brother_ ** Maddie signs with a warm smile on her face and Buck welcomes the feelings of happiness that it brings. But it’s diminished when he realizes he’s in the hospital again. Maddie explains that he’s here because of an infection and high stress. When Maddie asks how he got so hurt, he hesitated to explain, he didn’t want to throw Eddie under the bus...but it’s not like there was anything of their friendship to salvage. Not after everything that happened. So, when Buck explains what happened, Maddie is pissed. 

And Chimney can sense it as well. When Maddie nods and tucks her brother Buck under the covers, she turns sharply at Chim and he has to restrain himself from flinching back. This isn’t his loving and amazingly strong woman Maddie that he knows, this is older sister Maddie that will stop at nothing to protect her little brother from the world that seems to hate him. Chimney gets up to try and calm the flames that seem to be in her eyes but she shakes off the hand that he places on her shoulder. She is a woman on a mission and everyone seems to know it too. Eddie and the others visibly tense at the sight of Maddie. Athena seems concerned when Maddie pulls her aside. Athena is about to ask what’s wrong when Maddie explains the situation. Athena goes from confused to anger. She then fixes her husband with her police sergeant look and Bobby has never hated himself so much at that moment since Marcy and his children. Athena shakes her head in disappointment and turns away from him. 

“You all are fools!” Athena practically yells in the waiting room at the ER and everyone knows she’s right and they know that they’ve all made a mistake...an unfixable mistake. 

Eddie hesitantly makes his way to Buck’s room and has to force himself not to flinch under the gaze of one Maddie Buckley. She stares him down when he steps into the room. Eddie silently asks Maddie if he can have one moment alone with Buck. 

“If I hear one bad word out of your mouth, I am kicking you out and will forbid you from seeing him. Understand?” Eddie says yes and Maddie leaves, still staring him down. Eddie slowly approaches the man on the bed but stops short. What could he even say to start a conversation like this? There are no words that will instantly make this better. Eddie wants nothing more than to wrap Buck in a hug, kiss him with everything that he has, hoping it can show Buck how thankful he is for him, bring him home and wrap him in every single blanket he has and never let him go. But he can’t do any of that because he fucked up what he had and now he has to try and fix it. 

Buck opens his eyes and widens when he sees Eddie. He takes a hesitant step forward and tries not to flinch and feel the hurt coursing through him when Buck flinches back when Eddie reaches a hand forward. 

“Buck...” Eddie starts but stops. What can he even say? 

“You don’t need to say anything Eddie. I’m being discharged tonight, I’m going home and I’ll see you at work when I’m in the clear.” Buck says in a voice that is devoid of emotions and it hurts Eddie to know that it’s all his fault. 

“You shouldn’t be alone after this surgery Buck. C-come home with me” Eddie says, praying that Buck will say yes so he can fix this. 

“Eddie it’s fine, you don’t need to do this. We’re fine I’ll see you at work” Buck finishes and he turns his back to Eddie and he tries not to feel hurt. He deserves that. 

“Christopher wants you there with us. Please, Buck?” Eddie hates that he uses his son as a trump card, but what choice does he have? Buck looks back at Eddie, 

“Fine...” 

{~}{~} 

Eddie brought Buck back to his house about two days ago and he still hasn’t said a word to anyone. The 118 has been shuffling in and out of Eddie’s house. Trying to get Buck to talk to them but with no success. He’s giving everyone the cold shoulder and hasn’t talked to anyone...not even Maddie and Athena can get him to talk. And they didn’t even contribute to the terrible abuse of the 118. It’s another night in the Diaz household and everything is so quiet...and Eddie has never hated the silence so much than he has at this moment. Eddie brought Buck home in hopes of talking to him, but Buck hasn’t said a single word to anyone. 

It’s nearly 9:00 PM when Eddie standing in the doorway of the guest room. Buck is curled up and facing the wall. Eddie saw him shiver and he hesitantly placed a blanket on Buck, he didn’t say anything, he simply snuggled into the blanket and said nothing. 

Eddie wanted to cry at the fact that Buck wasn’t talking to him. Why did he do it? Why did he assume something so horrible and why did he have to go and break something that could have been so amazing? Eddie never dared to admit his feelings to himself. He thought that once Buck is physically and mentally better, they can take the next step in the thing they have been dancing around. And now Eddie has ruined it for himself and his son. He wants to do so many things for Buck, he wants to tell him how amazing he is, how incredible he is for saving his son, he wants to kiss him, love him, sleep next to him, wake up next to him, just to be with him, but he can’t...not with the way things are now. 

So Eddie finds himself standing in the doorway of the guest room, simply watching Buck. Wishing with everything that he can just talk to him. Behind him, he hears the distinct sounds of his son’s crutches echoing through the hallway. Eddie looks down and sees Christopher passing by him and enters the room. Christopher then gets on the bed and climbs over Buck to face him. Eddie’s heart squeezes in admiration and pain when he sees his son tenderly run his tiny hands over Buck’s hair and face. Buck blinks at the surprise contact. Christopher had been watching Buck from afar and this is the first time Christopher has interacted with Buck since being discharged. Christopher continues to run his hands through Buck’s hair and tenderly caress his face. 

“You took care of me in the hospital. You saved me so I’m going to take care of you now Bucky" Christopher says in a quiet voice and Eddie’s heart squeezes in admiration when he sees how gentle and loving his son is being to Buck. But it’s quickly replaced by pain when Buck’s eyes start to water and he starts crying silent tears. Christopher is unbothered by it and he simply wipes the tears from his Buck away. “You’re gonna be ok kid...” Christopher whispers as he throws his upper body around Buck. He wraps his arms around Christopher and speaks for the first time in almost 3 days: 

“I love you Christopher...so much,” Buck says in a hoarse voice after not using it for so long. He buries his face in Christopher’s curls and sighs as he still cries. Christopher says nothing as he looks to his dad and fixes him a look that screams 

_Fix this_

Christopher then tucks himself into Buck’s side and lets his Buck hold him. Eddie stays silent as he goes to drape a blanket over his boys who mean more to him than anything. He knows he has to fix this... 

_But how?_

* * *

Posting this on Xmas day...it is my gift to you! Love you all and the next chapter will be up soon.

Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment! 

Come say hi to me on my [Tumblr](https://chitownwolf.tumblr.com/)!


	3. Chapter 3

Special thanks to [missmeagan666](https://archiveofourown.org/users/missmeagan666) for being the BETA for this chapter! 

* * *

Buck and Christopher fall asleep in the guest bedroom. Eddie goes over, intending to take Christopher to his own bed but stops. Eddie has been watching Buck stay in the guest bedroom and has tried to get him to talk to him, but he won’t talk to anyone. Christopher was able to coax some words out of him and then fell asleep after being held by the one who saved his life. Eddie then sees how calm Buck looks for the first time in over two months. 

Somehow, the blanket that was covering Buck has slipped away and when Eddie sees that Buck’s shirt has ridden up. Knowing that he will be cold, he steps closer, intending to slip it back over both of the boys on the bed, but he stops when it sees it. 

_ The horrible bruises that the doctor was talking about. _

Eddie’s hands start shaking when he realizes that he is the cause of them. He hesitantly steps forward and takes a closer look and he feels sick. He did this...he hurt his best friend and the thought has him running to the bathroom and throwing up everything he had to eat that day. As the vomiting turned into dry heaving, Eddie began to cry then sobs overtook his body. He scoots back until he feels himself hit the wall. He buries his face in his hands, he had done that. He mentally and physically broke his best friend to the point that his son was the only person that could get through to him. Eddie tried to silence his crying so not to wake up the occupants in the next room but he can’t help but cry at the terrible mess he’s made. 

_ Why did he do it? _

What made him do such a horrible thing to the people he cares about more than anything? His son means the world to him and when he hurt Buck, he hurt his son. Eddie tries and tries to think of what caused him to do this, but nothing comes to mind at that moment, but he knows he has to stop crying and get himself together in order to figure it out. Eddie picks himself up from the bathroom floor and splashes some cold water on his face. He looks in the mirror and takes in his appearance for the first time and he sees how miserable he looks. 

_ But he knows that nothing compared to the misery they put Buck through _

Eddie is disgusted at the person he sees looking back at him. Knowing he put someone he cares about, more than he wants to admit to himself, in pain and in the hospital sends a horrible jolt of pain through Eddie’s heart that he had to shake off in order to check on his boys. He goes back to the guest room and finally lifts the blanket to cover both Christopher and Buck. He tucks them both in and sits on the edge of the bed to watch them. Eddie wants nothing more than to simply runs his hands through Buck’s hair, but he can’t do that...he lost that right when he accused Buck of not caring. Eddie sniffs and wipes the tears away before they can fall again. 

_ I’ll look after you both...I promise _

Eddie vows before kissing his son good night and turning the light off. 

{~}{~} 

The weekend came and went. Buck didn’t leave the room unless he absolutely needed to. That was usually to go to the washroom and take a shower when he could get himself out of bed. Eddie had gently tried to get Buck to talk to him, but it seems that Buck only wanted to talk to Christopher, and Eddie was fine with that because he would watch his son and Buck eat together in the room. Eddie usually didn’t like Christopher eating in bed, but if it meant Buck was getting something in his system, then he wouldn’t complain. 

The 118 had been constantly calling and calling but Buck didn’t feel like answering, so he turned his phone to do not disturb and would ignore them. He didn’t need to talk to them if he didn’t feel like it. But when he would look at his phone late at night, it would be either the 118 and Maddie trying to talk to him. He would respond to the ones from Maddie and Athena but no one else. 

Eddie did little things to show Buck how sorry he was, even when Buck did not come out of the room, Eddie left his bedroom door open in case Buck needed something. Eddie would leave food and drinks on Buck’s nightstand. When he was finished Eddie would pick up the plates and make sure the room is cozy and he makes sure Buck was comfortable. He would leave tea and his medicine close to him in case he needed to take it. 

After about 3 weeks of the same routine, Eddie had stumbled upon Buck in the bathroom, lifting his shirt to inspect himself and the bruises on his back. Eddie has to force himself not to stare and is about to leave but sees Buck taking off his shirt and tries to put some medicine on his back but is unable to reach. Eddie takes a hesitant step into the bathroom and Buck looks at him through the mirror. 

“I-I could help you put it on...if you want?” Eddie offers and is prepared for another silent rejection but is instead surprised when Buck simply nods and hands him the medicated cream. 

“Y-you can go lie down on the bed if you want too? It can be easier for you.” Eddie said and Buck simply went to bed and lay down on his stomach, lifting his crew neck until it hit his shoulders and in the natural sunlight filtering through the windows, Eddie can see the bruises are still present, but they are beginning to fade. 

_ Unlike his guilt and anger at the situation, he’s caused. _

Eddie says nothing as he begins to gently rub the cream on his lower back. He apologizes when Buck hisses slightly. “I’m almost done Buck,” Eddie says as he puts all his focus into this one simple task. He declares he’s done and Eddie grabs the hem and pulls it back down. Buck hums as a thank you and then turns over, intending to stay on the bed. Eddie pulls the blanket to his shoulders and then speaks after it seems that Buck has drifted off to sleep. 

“Buck...I know things aren’t good between us right now and that’s my fault. I took out all of my anger, insecurities, and fear of everything that’s been happening lately on you. I thought I had it under control but when my son got sick, everything just boiled over...but that’s no excuse. You saved my son and I repaid you in anger when you deserve my praise. I know I made some horrible mistakes with you but I hope you can at least know how sorry I am. Even if you never talk to me again...” Eddie gently places his hand over Buck’s, “But please don’t let my son lose you again. He loves you and I know you love him too...I love you...but I won’t tell you that until we are in a better place. I just want you to know that.” Eddie gently squeezes his hand and places a gentle kiss on Buck’s forehead before leaving the room. 

_ Eddie didn’t know that Buck was awake the whole time. _

{~}{~}

“Bobby gave us some days off so you can get better. And so I can watch Christopher.”  _ And you  _ go unsaid but Eddie hopes that Buck can get the message. Buck simply nods as he is joining them at the breakfast table. Eddie was preparing a cup of tea for Buck to take into his room when he was surprised to turn around and see Buck was taking a seat at the table. Eddie wanted to say so many things in that one moment but he simply placed the tea in front of Buck where the cream and sugar already was. “Here you go.” 

Buck merely nods in acknowledgment and Eddie turns his attention back to the food on the stove that he is cooking for everyone in the house. He knows everyone else is going to stop by later today, but he is secretly worried. The team has been coming by and visiting as often as they can and because of the silence, Eddie isn’t sure if Buck is comfortable with them coming around so much. And every time he asks, he only gets a shrug of the shoulders in response. Eddie doesn’t push, but sometimes he can see the tensing when others sit close to Buck or when they are trying to coax him, but Buck still stays silent. 

_ It changed when Christopher was cleared to go back to school.  _

The school was understanding and very supportive when they heard what Christopher was going through, so they would send home the lessons in the forms of videos and the homework was allowed to be turned in late. Eddie remembered the sadness in the eyes of his son when he told him that it was time for him to go back to school. 

_ “But I don’t want to leave my Buck alone dad. He could get sad.”  _ Christopher had told him and but after reassuring him that Buck won’t be alone, Christopher agreed and Eddie took him the next day. 

The second week of taking Christopher back to school Eddie came back to the sound of someone crying. It didn’t alarm him at first because he figured Buck was watching TV in the living room but when he sees that Buck isn’t there, he goes to the room and finds Buck sobbing uncontrollably in the corner. 

{~}{~} 

Buck hears the front door close as Eddie leaves to take Christopher to school and he was left to his thoughts once again. That’s all he had been doing. Thinking...thinking about everything but nothing at the same time. Why his team would kick him to the curb so quickly? Had they ever really cared about him like he did about them? Bobby was so pissed at him for the lawsuit but...Buck was allowed to be a little bit mad too...right? After everything life threw at him, it bombarded him with a broken leg that threatened his career, then it threw a pulmonary embolism when he pushed himself too hard, then the tsunami hit and he almost lost Christopher, then when he finally took a step back, Bobby just gave away his place at the 118 to  _ her. _

In retrospect maybe Buck did go about the lawsuit the wrong way, but what other choice did he have? He was backed against a wall and when he finally chose to fight back? Everything got so messed up so fast but then even more so when Christopher got sick. Buck begins to tear up when he thinks of the whole situation. 

Christopher needed help and he was the last person to hear about it. But when he got tested, he gave everything to the kid that stole his heart and when he was about to get away with it when the damn nurse spilled the beans. The hospital told him that they had been fired from their residency and Buck felt a little bad because they shouldn’t have been fired because of a simple mistake. If anything, it was a good mistake because Buck saw what the team really thought of him. 

Buck felt the tears begin to well up in his eyes and since he was alone, he didn’t stop them. Eddie was so mad at him and now he says he loves him. That threw Buck in for such a loop. Of course, Buck loved Eddie right back, but with everything that has happened, he’s not sure if he can love him back. And god does he want to love Eddie right back, but he just can’t. Not after the way things are now, Buck is sad, but he’s mad at the same time. He hates Eddie...and he loves him...he can’t help it and he knows it can be the start of a toxic relationship, but Eddie wouldn’t do that to him... 

_ Right? _

Logically, his mind says no because Eddie is an amazing person who cares about his son and his team. Buck can trust Eddie with his back on the job every time. But the fading bruises on his back prove otherwise. And that’s when he lets out a sob...then another and another. He soon slides off the bed and crumbles into the corner. He cries for so many things to list, but he finally lets out all the emotions he’s been holding in for almost a month. 

_ They hurt him and now they are sorry...Buck doesn’t know what to do with that. _

He doesn’t know how long he cries but he gets up and goes to the bathroom but breaks down again inside. He doesn’t notice that Eddie has come back inside. He feels Eddie sink down behind him against the wall and as much as Buck doesn’t want to, he feels himself lean back against Eddie and he doesn’t hesitate to put his arms around Buck’s waist to simply hold him. Eddie leans his head against his back shoulder and just holds him. 

Buck tries to stop crying but he hears Eddie’s soothing voice telling him that it’s ok. But it’s not, how is anything, ok anymore? 

“Te amo,” Eddie whispers and Buck understands it all the same. He doesn’t know what to do with that. 

{~}{~} 

Buck is able to calm down enough to get up from where he was on the ground of the bathroom. He then makes his way to the kitchen where he simply looks into the sink. 

“Buck? You ok?” 

“I was awake that night...” Buck says in a hoarse voice and it startles Eddie because he was not expecting Buck to talk to him. But it sounds like heaven because after almost a month of not hearing Buck’s voice. 

“What night?” Eddie asks not wanting to waste this opportunity. 

“Couple days after I was discharged...when you told me that you loved me...” Eddie feels his heart stop when Buck tells him this. Buck wasn’t supposed to be awake for that... did he just ruin everything? “I’ve been thinking about what I’m supposed to say to you...” 

“You don’t have to say it back, I just wanted you to know that and Buck-” Buck holds up his hands and Eddie stops talking. 

“I know I don’t have to say it back...but Eddie I want you to know that the feeling is mutual...but it’s just so hard to look at you without seeing you yelling at me. And I know you’re sorry, but I just can’t...” Buck trails off and while Eddie understands, it doesn’t mean it hurts any less. 

“Can’t what?” 

“I just can’t look at you without hating you. I hate you...and I love you...I just can’t help it. What you said to me keeps bouncing around in my head every time I look at you. I’m mad...I’m really mad at you but I don’t want to be. I know I made some mistakes with the lawsuit and I probably went about things the wrong way...but I felt like I didn’t have a choice. Bobby took my job and told me that I wasn’t ready to come back. But he didn’t even tell me before. He didn’t even consult me!” Buck practically says in a loud voice. Eddie takes it all without saying anything because he knows that Buck needs to get all of this out. “He blindsided me! I didn’t have a choice but to fight back...and you hated me. You called me selfish because all I wanted to do was get back to you guys. All I wanted to do was get back to the people I called my family but its apparent they didn’t want me back...you didn’t want me back.” 

“Of course, I did Buck-” 

“Then why did you reach out to Lena first?!” Buck practically yells and it sends Eddie for a loop. 

“What?” 

“I had to hear it from HER that Christopher was sick! You told me he was sick but you didn’t tell me how and why he was sick! I had to call HER and SHE told me what was wrong with him! Why did you tell her first? She was basically a stranger and she knew more about Christopher than I did when you knew perfectly well that I would do anything for that kid!” Buck is practically panting by the time he finishes and Eddie doesn’t know what to say...what could he even say? 

“Buck-” Eddie began but Buck still wasn’t done. 

“I tried Eddie...I mean I really tried to stop being mad. I didn’t want to say anything about this but when I went into the station and I saw her name plastered over mine...I felt replaced, I mean you told me you would always have my back but then she comes in and just replaces me. You knew...you knew how hard I worked to get back to you because I couldn’t stand the idea of someone that’s not me having your back...I can’t trust anyone else to have your back, Eddie.” Buck trailed off and looked down. Eddie felt his heart break, he knew that it was a bad idea but everyone else insisted that Buck would be ok with it. But in retrospect, he should have stood up for Buck, or at least say something. 

“Buck I-I'm so sorry.” 

“Sorry doesn’t fix this Eddie,” Buck says looking up at Eddie finally and Eddie can feel his heart crack at the pain in Buck’s red eyes. 

“I-I know it doesn’t but I’m trying-” 

“I know you are Eddie, and I think one day I can forgive you just...not now. And I don’t think I can do it in this house with you Eddie. So...I think I need to go back home.” Buck says in a broken voice and Eddie wants to scream, he doesn’t want Buck to go. He wants to tell him that he just got him back and he’ll never let him go again. But he has to agree if things can ever be remotely ok again. 

“But Buck...” Eddie relents and sighs “Ok...I understand.” Buck can hear the disappointment in his voice and Buck hates that he wants to reassure Eddie but he has to do this. He needs to think about things away from Eddie in order to have a clearer mind. Buck then goes into his room and grabs a bag that was previously packed. 

“Please call me if Christopher needs anything ok?” Eddie nods and Buck sighs, he hates that he has to do this, but he needs to. “I start work again in about three days so I’ll see you then.” Eddie tries not to flinch as he hears the door close, barely making a sound but it echoes all the same. 

* * *

I personally think this chapter is complete shit but here you go.

Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment! 

Come say hi to me on my [Tumblr](https://chitownwolf.tumblr.com/)!


	4. Chapter 4

_Once again special thanks to[missmeagan666](https://archiveofourown.org/users/missmeagan666) for being the BETA for this chapter!_

* * *

When Buck walked into the station the first day back, he could hear the commotion throughout the station immediately died as he walked through the bay doors where the trucks were parked. Buck had his headphones in but he saw everyone turn to see him as he walked to the changing room. He wasn’t in the mood for small talk today. Buck tried to delay changing into his uniform but he didn’t want to land into any more trouble with his captain. Buck passed a mirror and he can see what his sister was concerned about.

_The stress due to everything has caused Buck to lose weight at an alarming rate. When Maddie saw this, she stayed at his house to make sure he was eating. She even made him his favorite pasta dish that they used to have when they were growing up. Maddie stayed until he finished every piece of his food. He couldn’t afford to lose any more weight._

So now that he forced himself to eat, he began to put on a little more weight, but he wasn’t anywhere close to where he was supposed to be. He slid his phone into his back pocket and slowly made his way into the loft where he knew the others were going to be. He felt his anxiety spike when everyone’s head turned to him instantly. He said nothing as he took a seat in the corner, not too far away from the others if they needed his attention but not too close either.

_No one knew how to start the conversation._

Bobby was in the kitchen making the team their daily breakfast and he was eyeing Buck in his peripheral vision. Bobby can see the others watching him but they quickly looked away when he looked at them. He plated up the food and called everyone to come and eat. Bobby frowns when Buck doesn’t get up right away. He waited for another minute before calling to him.

“Buck come eat with us,” Bobby and everyone else doesn’t miss the way he tenses up. Buck takes a deep breath to steady his nerves as he makes his way to where the food was. He quickly helped himself to some food and sat at the far end of the table away from everyone and pulled out his phone, the message was clear.

After breakfast, Bobby divided the chores amongst everyone evenly. When Buck was given his list, he was shocked at how little was on his list. He looked at Bobby with confusion.

“Buck I realize now that giving you all the chores to do was very unfair and cruel of me to do. So it’s time that everyone gets their share of chores.” Buck sat back when he heard this and Bobby was hoping that Buck would say something but he simply got up and went down the stairs to complete his share of the chores. He tuned out the buzz of the station when he put his earbuds in.

The alarm rang when Buck was mopping the floors outside the locker room. He continued to mop the floors and slightly jumped at the hand tapping his shoulder. He turned and saw Bobby. He took his earbuds out and raised an eyebrow in question.

“Gear up Buck, you’re coming with us on this one,” Bobby said and everyone was looking at them, to hope and pray for some kind of reaction. Their hearts fell when the usual vibrant blue eyes didn’t light up like they always did when a call came in. Instead, Buck simply murmured a ‘yes cap’ and went to work putting on his gear. He sat in the far corner away from everyone and no one dared to sit closer to him. They understood he needs his space and they will give it to him.

During the call, Buck and Eddie are in tune with each other like they have always been. But the moment they get back in the truck, it’s the same as when they got there and when they pulled into the station, Buck all but bolted out of the truck. The rest looked at each other and sighed.

_This was going to be harder than they thought._

_They had no one to blame but themselves._

{~}{~}

Halloween is vibrant and lively at the station of 118 and everyone has something to do. With Buck only being back at the station for barely two weeks, everyone has been on edge. Between the hectic calls and getting the station ready for the holiday, no one really had the chance to speak to Buck about what happened. Hen and Chim made several attempts to try and talk to Buck, but he always had his headphones in or didn’t want to speak to them. As much as they hated the situation, they understood.

Bobby gave everyone their assignments and Buck was stuck on candy duty. Kids and their parents would come in and out and Buck would give candy to the kids with a genuine smile on his face. Eddie would watch from a distance with pain and longing in his heart. He shook off the thoughts when some kids approached his table. Eddie looked up at saw, Buck passing by.

“Oh hey Buck?” Buck stopped and looked over his shoulder with a raised eyebrow. “Do you need any help with your station?” Eddie asked awkwardly, hoping that Buck won’t call him out on it. Buck stared at him for what seems like a long time but then he shook his head.

“No thanks I’m good,” But Eddie wasn’t done.

“Do you want to give me a hand with mine?” Eddie practically begged but Buck still refused.

“Looks like you got it.” Buck tightly smiles then walks away and Eddie dejectedly sighs. He feels a hand on his shoulder and he sees Bobby giving him a small encouraging smile.

_Buck feels Eddie’s eyes on him the whole night._

{~}{~}

Buck is carrying a box of Halloween decorations to put into storage. He looks up and sees Eddie buttoning a shirt, he plans to continue on his way but Eddie stops him.

“So that's how it's gonna be now? You're just gonna keep on ghosting me. 'Cause, Halloween is over just so you know.” Eddie says hesitantly and Buck places the box on a nearby table.

“I don’t know what you want from me Eddie,” Buck sighs as he fully turns to face Eddie.

“I just want you to talk to me, even if it's just to say that you're still mad.”

“You accused me of being selfish. I asked you why you couldn’t see my side and you called me selfish. I thought you, of all people, not only as my best friend but as someone who has gone through war and has PTSD, you would understand. I can't imagine what you've been through overseas Eddie, and I've tried to understand when you talked to me. I was there every time you needed to talk, but when I needed to...you weren't there," Buck says as looks up with sadness in his eyes and it breaks Eddie’s heart to know that it was him who put it there.

“I know that the lawsuit wasn't the smartest idea but I felt like I didn't have a choice. After the tsunami, when I accepted light duty, I come in here and I see that I was being left behind and so easily replaced. I got over it...I mean I thought I was over it but then I discovered that Bobby-” Buck then points to where the others were watching them and Eddie can see Bobby flinch slightly. “-was the one keeping me from coming back. He told me and it blindsided me, the man that I looked up to went behind my back and decided what was best for me without even asking me.” It tugs at Eddie’s being to hear the quiet resolved anger in his voice, he almost wished that the screaming anger was there and not the one where it seems that nothing will be the same again.

“I know now that the lawsuit was a horrible idea, but you keep using it against me for your anger and I can't be your emotional punching bag anymore Eddie. The one time I took a step back to maybe help myself for the first time in...ever, and it backfired on me. Then I hear from Lena, who's basically a stranger at this point because I've never met her, tells me EXACTLY what's wrong with Christopher when you wouldn't even tell me. I would give him everything and anything that I have for that kid, and-" Buck's breath hitches "-and you took him away from me. You could have told me about the nightmares he's had at any time, but you didn't. The first time I've seen him was in the operating room." Buck then lets out a broken laugh laced with a heavy sob but Buck shakes his head, he will not break down in the middle of the firehouse. “I love that kid with everything that I have...but it wasn’t enough was it?”

Eddie feels his breath hitch as he tries to approach Buck. He takes a step forward but stops when Buck backs up from him. In doing so, he accidentally knocks the box of Halloween stuff over. He instantly falls to his knees and scrambles to shove everything back in the box. He feels the heat of shame and embarrassment boil from somewhere in his person and it rises in his cheeks and his eyes as he sees his vision clouded with tears. He manages to shove everything in the box but stops when he feels Eddie wrap his arms around him. Buck tries to push Eddie away from him but he simply tightens his hold.

“I’m so sorry Buck. I know it doesn’t mean anything right now but I really am so sorry. I know nothing I can ever say or do will make this better and I know you hate me...so whatever it takes for you to forgive me or even be ok with me being in the same room I’ll-”

“This would be easier if-” Buck stops and Eddie reluctantly pulls away from Buck to look at him in the eye but he doesn’t let go of his biceps. Eddie squeezes them in soft encouragement before Buck continues. “Forgiving you would be so much easier if I didn’t love you as much as I do.” Eddie wasn’t expecting that as his eyes widen.

“You love me?” Eddie asks in desperation and feels like crying when Buck nods his head yes.

“I-I do love you Eddie, but I don’t think I’m ready to love you like I want to..like you deserve. When I look at you, I see the kind, amazing, handsome father and firefighter that I fell in love with.” Buck slowly puts a hand on Eddie’s face to caress it and Eddie wants to cry because it’s the first time Buck as ever touched him so intimately before this whole mess. Buck then takes it away and Eddie wants to chase the warmth that Buck has always seemed to provide. “But then I see you screaming at me, telling me to stay away from you and Chris, and I get so scared that you will take him away from me.” Buck looks down at this and Eddie finally sheds the tears that have been building in his eyes. He stops when he feels Buck wiping them away. “I know you’re going through a lot Eddie, and I know that you wouldn’t take Christopher away from me again. But I just can’t help but think ‘what-if?” Eddie nods at this, he did this.

“I love you Buck, even though it doesn’t look like it right now, but I do love you,” Eddie says, slowly caressing the birthmark on Buck’s head and he subconsciously leans into Eddie’s touch.

“Eddie...I do too, but I just can’t. I can’t fully love you when I don’t trust you. I think I will be able to one day, but I...I just need a little more time. I’m sor-” Buck gets cut off when Eddie hugs him again.

“You don’t need to apologize Buck, I understand. I just want you to know that I’ll be here for you no matter what,” Eddie says as he slowly leans in and kisses Buck ever so softly on the forehead. Eddie then slowly picks himself up from the ground and grabs the box to put it away. Buck then stands there and runs his fingers through his hair.

_Where to go from here?_

{~}{~}

Eddie had a day off when Buck had a shift. It was weird, to say the least. Buck had come to terms with a few things and he stopped wearing his headphones around the others. Thanksgiving passed and it’s nearly December. Hen and Chim made a few attempts to have Buck talk to them, he would smile politely and continue on with his work. Chim and Hen wanted Buck to talk to them, even if it was to yell at them, and they brought this up when Buck was sitting with them. Bobby had made Buck’s favorite pasta and hoped that maybe he would at least make some small talk. But when dinner was over and Buck still hadn’t talked to Hen, Chim nor Bobby, they had enough.

“Buck...please just talk to us.” Chim practically begs as Buck finishes drying his plate.

“What do you want me to say?” Buck asks as he stops before the stairs. He turns and he can see Hen, Chim and Bobby looking at him. So many emotions are running through their eyes but Buck can’t really place one. Chim is the first to speak.

“Buck I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I didn’t take your side. Hen and I tried to mind our business but it looks like we failed at that.”

“Chim is right Buck, I’m so sorry. We of all people know what it’s like not to be taken seriously, what it’s like to be ostracized. We knew-know you’re a good guy, and yes maybe you made a mistake as you said, but we’re sorry we didn’t give you a chance to explain yourself.”

“Same here kid, I’m sorry I went behind your back and for everything else,” Bobby says hoping that Buck can hear the sincerity behind his words. Buck didn’t say anything for a while.

“It took me a long while to think about why you did what you did. I’m mad Bobby…I’m still mad, as much as I don’t want to be, I still mad and I can’t let go of it. You knew how important this job is and how much work I put into getting back here…and you took it away from me.” Buck looks away as he felt the anger that he had been feeling since before the lawsuit surging through his veins. “You took away the one thing that I wanted more than anything away from me…”

“Buck I was wrong to do that. I had no right to do that-”

Buck cut him off. “No you didn’t have a right…but you were right about one thing. I thought about what you said when I first started here and I disagreed but now I see you were right.” Buck says sighing, shoving his hands in his LAFD hoodie.

“What’s that?” Bobby asked, almost afraid to know the answer.

“This isn’t a family…we aren’t a family,” Buck gestured to the group that seemed to be listening minus Eddie who was home. “I’m just sorry it took me this long to see that,” Buck inserted his earbuds and walked down the stairs.

* * *

This chapter was significantly shorter than the others but I really wanted to get this done.

Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment! 

Come say hi to me on my [Tumblr](https://chitownwolf.tumblr.com/)!


	5. Chapter 5

_Special thanks to[missmeagan666](https://archiveofourown.org/users/missmeagan666) for acting BETA_

* * *

_Where to go from here?_

Buck wracked his brain for the answer when he had the day off. Even when he was with Christopher for the day, he had thought about what he can possibly do. He wants to be with Eddie, he wants things to be ok between them, but it’s just hard with everything.

And even when two months of this passed, he still didn’t have the answer. Neither did Eddie, he wanted to make this work with Buck, but he knew that he needed time. And Eddie would wait forever if he needed to. He loved Buck, and he would wait for him.

_The answer would come for both of them on a call._

The team had been called out to respond to a car accident. A drunk driver passed a red light and hit a car containing two passengers.

The drunk driver had been driven to the hospital after Athena handcuffed him to the gurney. Hen and Chim had secured the surviving passenger and he was currently sitting in the back of the ambulance with his arm in a sling and he had tears streaming down his face. Buck and Eddie ended up standing next to the ambulance when Bobby had ordered them to check over the survivor and stay close if they are needed.

“What’s your name?” Buck asks as he checks for a concussion.

“D-daniel. P-please is my boyfriend ok?” Daniel asks desperately as he tries to get a look at the wreckage but Eddie is blocking the path until he gets called over to the wreckage to help with the jaws of life.

“You have a concussion and will need to go to the hospital to get it checked out.” Buck tells Daniel and the others pull the passenger from the wreckage. Buck is about to pull the blood pressure machine out of his tool bag when he hears a wail. He turns to Daniel just in him to see him get up and try to run to the wreckage as Hen and Chim gently pull a man out of the passenger side door and begin CPR when they lay him on the floor. Bobby then comes to Daniel’s other side and it takes both of them to hold Daniel back from running to the wreckage.

“Please let me go! I have to see him! Ernesto!” Daniel practically screams as he tries to fight Buck and Bobby off.

“Sir you need to step back and let the paramedics work.” Daniel falls limp onto his knees when he sees Chim nodding his head _no_ to Hen and Eddie when they try everything and fail to bring him back. Eddie slowly walks over to where Buck and the others are and he helps pull Daniel back and sit onto the ambulance while Bobby goes to clean up the scene. No one says anything until they hear Daniel sobbing.

Eddie offers his condolences. He can’t imagine what Daniel must be going through, but he can get a clear idea. He knows he felt the same way when he thought he was going to lose Buck during the bombing incident and embolism. Buck and Eddie end up riding the back of the ambulance to drive Daniel back to the hospital. Once he was checked out, he was handed a bag of personal items that Ernesto had on his person. It sends a pang through Eddie’s heart when he sees Daniel hesitating to take the bag. He can at least relate to this. Being given a bag of things that once belonged to someone you loved. The items feel like they are the only things left of the person.

_Buck and Eddie ease Daniel into a chair when his knees give out._

“Do you want us to call anyone?” asks Buck.

“My mom is coming to pick me up...I can’t believe he’s gone.” Daniel whispers as he clutches the bag to his chest. “We were going to our favorite spot on the beach. Things between us hasn't been easy. We were mad at each other for...I don’t even know anymore.” Daniel lets a few tears escape his puffy eyes. “It’s been months since we’ve been able to talk without screaming at each other. It was my idea to go to the beach so we can have a decent conversation about everything.” Daniel sobs as he hugs the bag tighter. “I love him...I never told him and now it’s too late!” Daniel lets out a scream into the bag and it tears at both Buck’s and Eddie’s heart. They both put their hands on Daniel’s shoulders to hopefully ease the horrible pain. Buck and Eddie make eye contact with each other at some point before the mother came to collect Daniel.

_The situation was so eerily similar to theirs._

The call weighs heavily on their minds as they make their way back to the station. When it’s time to leave, it still cannot leave their minds. Buck changes into civilian clothes and is about to leave.

“Hey Buck?” Eddie calls for him before Buck pulls the doors of the locker room back. Buck freezes and turns to Eddie.

“Yea?” Buck asks in a quiet voice.

“D-do you want to come over?” Eddie asks, readying himself for Buck to say no.

“Yeah,” Buck says as he nods. “Let me just drop my stuff off at my apartment. I’ll meet you at your house.” Buck says as he turns the doorknob and leaves. Eddie lets out a shaky sigh of relief at this. He did not expect Buck to say yes.

{~}{~}

The first thing Eddie does when he gets home is hug his son tightly as he buries his nose in his blonde curls. Christopher asked about his day and vice versa. He then hears a car pulling into the gravel driveway and knows Buck is here.

When Eddie lets Buck in, they end up ordering pizza and spending the night before Christopher has to go to bed. Buck, despite everything that has been happening, feels content and happy. Buck feels Christopher snuggle into his side at one point during the movie and he felt himself smile for the first time in a while. The Daniel situation is lingering in the back of his mind, but he pushes it back even further. He just wants to enjoy this moment.

Christopher ends up falling asleep during the 5th mind-numbing episode of Spongebob and Eddie tucks him into bed.

“Dad?” Christopher calls and Eddie is instantly at his side.

“Yeah buddy?”

“Can I have my bear please?” and Eddie is lost because he didn’t know that his son even had a bear. He usually stuck to plushy action figures of Superman or Aquaman. But he heard the door creak open behind him and he sees Buck coming in with a bear in his hands.

“Here you go buddy,” Buck says as he kneels beside the bed and hands a medium-sized bear to Christopher and Eddie is almost blinded by how bright his son’s smile is at the bear.

“Thanks, Bucky...love you,” Christopher says quietly as he falls asleep and Eddie’s heart squeezes in fondness when Buck gently kisses his son on the forehead before bringing the blanket up even further. They both close the door, leaving it open a crack and they end up on the living room couch.

“T-thanks for coming over. I know this is the last place you want to be but thanks for coming.”

“I’m always up for spending time with Chris.” _And you_ goes unsaid in Buck’s mind.

“Where did he get the bear?” Eddie asks genuinely curious.

“I gave it to him after the surgery,” Buck says fondly and Eddie nods. It’s silent for a while, but it’s surprisingly comfortable, but there is some underlying thoughts and tension there. Eddie is the first to break it.

“I know this is the last place you want to be but I...I just can’t stop thinking about that call…” Eddie says.

“Same here,” Eddie looks up at the same time as Buck does and they held eye contact for what seems like a long time. Eddie clears his throat as he wipes his hands on his pants. “I just keep thinking about how similar their situation is...to ours. I feel for him, I really do because they were taking steps to make it better but now they can’t.”

“Eddie-”

“I’m so scared that it can happen to us because of our jobs-”

“Eddie-”

“I can’t imagine if we were in the same situation and you died before we actually made it right and-”

“Eddie!” said person stops his rant mid sentence when he feels himself collide into a hard chest and he knows it’s Buck. He pulls back to look up at him and he feels himself get a little bit smaller when he sees Buck looking at him with those expressive gentle eyes he’s grown to love.

“Eddie...I know what you mean, I don’t want us to keep being mad at each other. You’re right, with our jobs...one of us may not come home.” Buck said and Eddie took a step closer to him.

“I can’t lose you, Buck...I don’t want to lose you,” Eddie says, feeling tears well up in his eyes at the mere thought. Buck simply grabs Eddie’s forearms and gently sits him back on the couch, he leans back but doesn’t remove his hands from where they are.

“I don’t want to lose you nor Christopher. But let me say this, I'm sorry I wasn't there, Eddie. You and Chris needed me but I couldn't see that at the time, so I'm sorry about that."

“Buck we’re way past that,” Eddie says but Buck is quick to interrupt.

“I know we are but for some reason...I’m not,” Buck says as he leans back and shakes his head.

“Look...things got a little out of hand for the both of us. Don’t beat yourself up about it ok?” Eddie says, trying to take the blame for his piece.

“A little out of hand is the understatement of this entire year...besides wouldn’t you rather do it?”

“Excuse me?” Eddie asks in slight disbelief, hoping that Buck doesn’t mean-

“You don’t think that this whole time, before, during, and after the lawsuit and when Christopher was sick...that you wanted to hit me?” Buck asks in a serious voice and Eddie can feel the pit of his stomach drop.

“Buck I-”

“I saw how pissed you were, I know now that it was about the whole situation and Christopher but I thought, for sure that day in the grocery store you were going to take a swing at me.” Buck shrugs.

“Buck...I would never do that to you,” Eddie says in an equally serious voice, hoping to show him that he would never lay a hand on him. He isn’t that person, at least that’s what he thought until Buck spoke up again in a low voice.

“The faded bruises on my back beg to differ,” Buck says in a quiet voice but Eddie hears it all the same. Eddie’s breath hitches as he looks down at his hands that are beginning to shake as he pulls them away from Buck.

“You’re right...you’re right...I’m so sorry I did that to you. Up until then, I never would have hurt you, but I let my anger get the best of me, and you suffered because of it. My son suffered too, and for that I really am sorry.” Eddie says as he wipes the tear tracks on his face away and he looks at his hands again. They hurt someone he loved and for that, he can never, ever forgive himself. Buck’s hands come into his line of vision and he puts them over Eddie’s, intertwining them. He looks up and sees Buck’s giving him an extremely small lopsided smile.

“I know you’re sorry Eddie,” Buck says as Eddie takes in the smile. He hesitantly brings his hands and rests them on the side of Buck’s face and is surprised when Buck sighs and leans into his touch. He ignores every part of his mind that screams no but he rested his forehead against Buck’s and lets out a small shuttering cry when he feels Buck lean against his forehead too. He feels Buck’s hands rest on his shoulders, his fingers brushing slightly against the back of his neck.

They both get lost in the silence and feel comfortable with each other for the first time since this whole mess. Eddie decides to go for it.

“I miss you so much,” He says quietly and it throws him for a loop on how similar the situation is or rather was to Shannon and feels like he’s about to backtrack and take the words back.

“I miss you too,” Buck replies and he means it. He does miss Eddie and the way things used to be. He knows things can never be the same, but that’s the way it’s always been. He remembers his conversation with Maddie the last time they had a Buckley sibling day.

_“What I hav-had with Eddie…I don’t think it can be fixed. We’re never going to get back to where we were Mads. I’m scared what we had is completely broken this time and we won’t be able to fix it.”_

_“I know what you mean.”_

_“You do?”_

_“I was thinking the same thing with Chimney after the whole Doug situation. We had dinner and we realized that the love we were building was gone and we were never going to get it back.”_

_“How did you deal with it?”_

_“Instead of letting it die, we built something new. Because in the end, I did and still love Chimney and I didn’t want to lose him. So we built new love from what we had.” Maddie said with a look of fondness and it pains Buck to know they are in a rough patch right now._

_“Don’t do that Buck.”_

_“Do what?”_

_“Blame yourself…this wasn’t your fault.”_

_“I’m just sorry that you and Chimney are-“_

_“Buck that isn’t your fault. He told me that he was always checking in on you and that you were ok. Then he goes and does that shit. He lied to me and hurt you in the process.” Buck is about to protest but Maddie cuts him off. “Buck he may be my boyfriend, but you’re my brother. You’re my family and I love you. No one has the right to treat you that way.”_

Buck doesn’t want to lose this thing between them. But they both need to take the next step forward in order to move on. To get open and honest with each other. Eddie thinks the same thing.

“I want to move forward with you Eddie.”

“Me too Buck…I have an idea if you’re willing to listen.”

{~}{~}

Even though they weren’t officially in a relationship, the counselor is understanding of the situation, or at least the circumstances around it. The counselor is wonderful and very empathetic. After getting to know both of them through individual sessions, they had an understanding of what is happening and how both men can build something new.

In not even three sessions, the therapist broke down the problems of what was happening with the both of them.

_“Now Eddie, based on what you have told me, it seems, when Buck filed that lawsuit, your mind, which was still healing from the death of your wife, associated him leaving with her leaving. You were afraid that he would leave you like she did and you lashed out in a form of self-protection. And while it seemed like a good idea at the time, you wanted to push Buck away before he could hurt you and your son even more. Correct?” Eddie’s lack of answer was enough for the therapist as they told Eddie that he shouldn’t let the past affect the present and Eddie wanted to cry at the fact that it’s exactly what happened._

_He used his past as an excuse for his behavior and almost ruined the present and his future._

Dr. Botros then suggested to Eddie to try and let go of the past and try to find comfort in the things he has right now. Eddie knows it won’t be easy, but he has to try, if not for his family, for himself. He doesn’t want to make the same mistake again with Buck. He can’t mess up again. He then tells the therapist how he feels so angry at himself and what he's done that all he wants to do is go out and fight.

He tells Dr. Botros how he wants to hit and be hit by complete strangers because he feels that it will be the only day to redeem himself. He wants to take Lena up on her offer but he knows if he does, he’ll lose Buck for good. He doesn’t want that. Eddie can’t lose Buck again. He knows that as much as he loves Buck, losing him again would break his son. Botros is understanding and tells Eddie that they are glad that he hasn't gone down that path yet and is talking about it. They give him suggestions on how to deal with the self-loathing, guilt, and anger.

When it comes time for Buck’s individual sessions, they are both finally able to get to the root of Buck’s self-sacrificing tendencies.

_“No one besides your sister ever told you that you were important and when she was gone, no one told you anything besides negativity. And you still carry their words around and your need to be the sacrificial lamb. Self-sacrifice is the ultimate irrationality and you do not need to destroy your mind, body, and soul just to prove yourself to others.”_

When they came together during a session, Botros gives them a list of things to do when they get home so they can work on themselves and the relationship.

{~}{~}

_“I want both of you to try something when you are both comfortable and ready for it. I want you both to set aside some time, just a few minutes to yourselves and simply hold each other without any anger. This way you can begin to feel comfortable with each other and begin to trust each other again.”_

So that’s what he exactly what they did. It started off as 5 minutes, then it expanded into 10, then 15 and finally, they finally spent an entire night in the same bed. It was the most comfortable Buck has been in bed since the surgery and Eddie allowed himself to let go of the self-loathing to enjoy the night.

Buck thinks on how things are improving with Eddie. He finds himself looking forward to nights at Eddie’s again. He can spend time with Christopher like he always has and with Eddie, who he is slowly starting to trust again. It’s the little things that he does, at home, during a shift, on a call, and when heading home.

At the station, Eddie will hand Buck his daily cup of coffee as he’s walking into the loft. The soft touches began again, slowly but surely. Eddie would sit next to Buck on the couch when he was listening to music and would intertwine his hand with Buck’s and he would smile when he felt Buck squeeze back. When there was a call, Eddie would always put his hand on Buck’s shoulder to show him that he has his back and Buck would smile back at him before giving the job his 100%.

Things were beginning to improve between Eddie and Buck, and they felt happy.

{~}{~}

Just like Eddie, they did little things to show them how sorry they were.

Hen invited Eddie, Chris, and him to dinner one night and they finally talked about everything. Eddie and Hen were at the table, watching Buck and their kids build gingerbread houses. Eddie sighs in content, watching his boys have fun and bond. He smiles and looks back to Hen.

“So how’s it going with you and Buck?”

“It’s getting better, we’re getting better. We’ve been going to therapy and we’re getting to a better place. It baffles me that he still gave me the chance to make it up to him. After everything that’s happened, I’m just so thankful for the second chance.”

“What about Chris? How’d he take the news?”

“It got ugly. After I said I had to work on Christmas, he went straight to his room and wouldn't speak to me for the rest of the night.”

“It’s just a new thing. He won’t even remember being mad down the line.” Hen assures him. She can understand, Denny gets the same way but at least he has Karen.

“Abuela's bringing him to my aunt's. I know he's gonna have a great time. It’s just that last year was special, and this one is harder.” Eddie is about to say more when he hears Buck and Chris talking.

“Hey Buck?” Chris asks as he works on his house.

“Yea buddy?”

“Can I spend Christmas with you?” It breaks Eddie’s heart when he nods his head no to Buck.

“I'm sorry, buddy, but I'm gonna be working on Christmas with your dad.”

“Stupid work...I want to spend it with my hero…” He says that last part quietly and it breaks Eddie’s heart when he sees the expression on Buck’s face.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure by the new year, he’ll forget he was ever mad.”

“Is it me or does Christmas stuck this year?”

“Definitely not just you…”

“It's been a rough year for everyone.”

“More so than others,” Buck says as he sends a sad smile to Christopher. “I’m just glad he’s ok now.” It was clear that Buck was talking about Chris but Eddie and Hen exchanged a glance at Buck’s lack of concern for himself. Then Hen begins to speak.

_Buck had to stop Hen’s ranting when she burst into tears._

“I’m so sorry Buckaroo, I let you down. It was my mistake and I do understand your side. You’re a hero Evan Buckley, you saved Christopher’s life when all odds were against you.”

“I would have done it no matter who it was. If it was Christopher, Denny, Harry, or May. I’d do anything for those kids. I love them” Hen gives Buck a fond smile. She slowly brings her hand up to Buck’s face and cups it in her hand. Buck sighs and leans into the touch when Hen places her other hand on the other side of his face. She gives Buck a sad smile and lets out a few tears when Buck nuzzles her hands. She slides her hands behind his neck and brings him in for a hug.

“You’re like my annoying lil bro and you’re my son’s favorite uncle. You’re an amazing man Evan Buckley. And I’m so proud that I have the privilege to know you and call you my friend.” Buck tears up at this and he knows that things will be better between him and Hen.

{~}{~}

Buck was over at Maddie’s when Chim came through the front door. Buck looked up and saw him looking hesitant at the two occupants sitting at the dining room table. Chim looks like he wants to say something and Maddie excuses herself to go to the kitchen that is conveniently on the other side of the house. Buck takes a breath and tells Chimney to sit at the table and he did with little hesitation. After starting a hard conversation, Buck felt their bridge beginning to mend.

“I’m so sorry for the part I played Buck.”

“Chim you didn’t do anything.”

“Exactly, I didn’t do anything. I don’t know what it’s like to be you, but I should have tried to understand your point of view. I looked the other way and for that I am so sorry. Hen and Bobby and I...we weren’t there for you when you needed us. You’ve been there for us through it all. When Bobby relapsed, when I had the rebar and the stabbing, when Hen and Karen were in danger of losing Denny...you were there for all of it and the one time you needed us...we weren’t there. I’m sorry Buck, you’re one of the nerdiest friends I have and sure you don’t know pop culture references sometimes but that’s what makes you Evan Buckley. Someone who I’d love to have as my best man at my wedding when I marry your sister.” Buck’s eyes widened at that.

“Really?” Buck asked, hope peeking into his eyes and Chim stands to go around the table and pull Buck up on his feet for a hug. Buck smiles and hugs the older but shorter man closer to him. This is the first step, and there’s nowhere to go but up.

Buck wanted to laugh when Maddie came back in the room, telling Chimney that he actually has to ask her first and Buck left before that whole conversation started.

{~}{~}

_Bobby was the reason that he didn’t come back. And when Buck confronted him about it, Bobby admitted his feelings._

“I just can’t stand the idea of seeing you hurt again Buck.”

“But why me? If this happened to Hen or Chim or Eddie you would have let them back the moment they said they were ready. So why am I so different from them?”

“Buck-”

“Is it because I’m the youngest?”

“No-”

“Is it because I messed up when I first got here?”

“Buck no-”

“Is it because you don’t believe in me and you think that I’ll bring this team down?”

“No of course not-”

“Am I not good enough of a firefighter?”

“That’s not it-”

“Then what is it Bobby?”

“I can’t see you get hurt again because I see you as a son!” They were alone together near the bunks and no one had heard that little outburst. Bobby stares at Buck and is shocked when Buck scoffs.

“Bobby be serious…”

“I am serious Buck. I’ve seen you when you first started here and I’ve seen you grow into an amazing firefighter and an even better man. And I’m sorry that I doubted you, I never should have. And I should have talked to you before deciding for you. I-” Bobby is cut off when the alarm rings.

They never get to finish their conversation because of the chemical scare. With all of the chaos happening, Buck and Bobby do not get a chance to talk again until after the airplane incident when Bobby had a bloody nose.

“Could've been allergies. Could've been the Santa Anas. Could've been how cold it was out there on that tarmac.”

“Was this your first nosebleed? Have your gums been bleeding? Do you have a rash anywhere I can't see?” Bobby steps back when Buck puts his hand on his forehead.

“Are you diagnosing me?”

“I haven't noticed any shortness of breath or bruising, but you could be hiding symptoms like a headache, dizziness, irregular heart rate.”

“Buck, I'm not hiding any symptoms, because I'm not having any symptoms of whatever it is you think I have.” Bobby was about to finish the conversation right then and there but stops short when he sees the concern in Buck’s eyes and Bobby is surprised when he sees it. He didn’t think that it would happen again.

“That tunnel fire, you were in there way too long. Okay, that much exposure to radiation can cause aplastic anemia. Did you know that's what killed Marie Curie?”

“No I did not. I also did not know that you knew who Madame Marie Curie was.”

“...I’m not an idiot Captain.” Bobby knows it was the wrong thing to say because he hears the self-doubt that always seemed to be laced in Buck’s voice.

“No Buck I know you’re not. It’s just that you don’t have anything to worry about. I appreciate your concern, but I am fine. I know you're worried, but there is nothing to worry about yet.”

“Bobby, I know I do dumb things sometimes and generally drive you crazy. You're an important person in my life, Bobby, one of the most important. I don't know what I would do if anything were to happen to you,” Buck sighs as he looks behind and walks away but before he can get away Bobby grabs his wrist to stop him.

“Even after everything…?”

“...Yea even after everything. I get it though, on why you did what you did. But I just wished you talked to me instead of blindsiding me. I know it wasn’t your intention, but I felt so betrayed when I found out that you were the reason I was being held back.”

“Buck I will apologize everyday for as long as you need to hear it. But I really am sorry I did that to you Buck. You did what you had to do to survive. And I’m sorry we almost lost you...we’ve lost you so many times. First the fire truck, then the embolism and then the tsunami. All of those events were out of my control, and when I finally had a chance that you wouldn’t get hurt, I took it and ended up hurting you and for that I’m sorry.” Bobby said and he hoped that Buck can understand how sorry he is.

Buck doesn’t say anything because he’s interrupted by Healy. He was a member from another shift that was about to start and he poked Buck where it hurt. He tried to talk smack about Buck and how he still isn’t welcome by anyone in the firehouse. He didn’t see Eddie rushing up behind him and pushing him away.

“Don’t you ever talk to him like that again or I will fire you without another warning understand? Besides it wasn’t his fault. It was mine, so don't blame him for my mistakes.” Bobby said and Buck was surprised at this. Healy walked away full of anger and left the station. Eddie slides his hand into Buck’s and leads him away from the area back to the kitchen. Buck sends a hesitant look but a small smile back to Bobby.

He has high hopes for whatever might come next.

{~}{~}

It was a tough call. No one was hurt but Buck almost didn’t make it. Eddie had come out first but then a civilian yelled that there was a child screaming out the window and before he could even register it, Buck turned right around and went back inside. Eddie was about to run back inside after Buck but Chim came up behind him and pulled him back. eddie kicked and screamed that he can’t go alone but it was too late because he was pulled behind Bobby. Everyone watched anxiously and saw that a flashover was beginning to form. He was barely out of the house when the flashover hit. He had a child in his arms and was barely down the stairs when he was thrown across the field and landed in front of the 118.

“Buck!” Eddie yelled from behind the barricades and ran forward when the child was taken from his arms. Eddie had to secure the kid to the gurney while the parents ran over.

“Eddie?” asks a groggy voice behind him and Eddie has to force himself to turn around and see Buck taking off his helmet, looking up at him confused.

“You’re ok!” Eddie says as he runs to Buck, kneeling down to his level and hugging Buck with such tightness he thought he felt the pulsing of his skin under his turnout gear.

“You scared me…” Eddie says hesitantly and quietly against Buck’s shoulder.

“What?” Buck asked in confusion and hugged back.

“Even back when we weren't talking I was so afraid something bad would happen to you and I wouldn't be able to protect you and- " Edide cuts himself off as he hugs Buck tighter. “I don’t want to lose you again...I can’t...I don’t think I’m strong enough for that Buck” Eddie says as he feels a few tears leaking out of his eyes. Buck pulls back a little bit to slowly take off Eddie’s helmet and when he sees the tears running down Eddie’s face, he wipes them away and places a soft kiss on his cheek.

"Hey...I'm a tough guy, nothing is never happen to me...not with you around" Buck says, sending a small smile to Eddie as he wipes the tears away.

“I know but...you said that so weird Buck” Eddie says, laughing a little bit despite the situation.

“I think I might have a concussion…” Eddie laughs at that and he picks them both off the ground and sat Buck at the back of the ambulance. Hen, Chim and Bobby came up to him and wanted to look over him, but they waited for Buck to give them permission to. Buck looked up at them and nodded.

Buck wanted to feel annoyed at the constant poking and prodding that Hen and Chim are giving him, but deep down, he knows this is another way of making amends. And honestly, he isn’t so mad at them anymore.

“You feeling ok Buck?” asks Bobby as he puts his hand to Buck’s forehead. “Doesn’t look like you have a concussion.”

“I’m fine Bobby...just a little bit of whiplash” Buck smiles slightly and everyone finishes up checking him and Hen gives him the clear. Eddie then replaces Hen in Buck’s line of view.

“I’m ok Eddie” Buck smiles at him when he sees the worried look in his eyes. Eddie nods slightly and Buck reaches out to grab Eddie’s hand and he can see Eddie relaxing at this simple touch.

“Come over to my place Eddie...bring Christopher and we can spend Christmas Eve together,” Eddie then suddenly remembers that it’s Christmas Eve and he feels lighter knowing that he can spend the holiday with his boys.

“Ok I’ll be over after I pick him up.”

{~}{~}

After a night of watching cheesy Disney movies and homemade pasta, courtesy of Eddie, Christopher is all tuckered out and is tucked in on the guest bed while Buck and Eddie is out on the couch watching TV with soft music playing on Buck’s radio. Eddie is holding Buck tighter than usual because of today’s call. He can’t get the thought of losing Buck so soon after everything out of his head. Eddie finds himself squeezing Buck tighter and tighter until he can feel his hands grow numb.

“I’m here Eddie...I’m here,” Buck says as he tucks himself into Eddie’s side and buries his face in his neck.

“I thought I was going to lose you...I can’t lose you again. After everything that has happened...I’m so sorry.”

“Eddie we’re getting past the lawsuit and the aftermath of the surgery, but we won’t be able to if you keep holding on to it.”

“What I did...leaving you like that. I'm so sorry Buck”

“I know you are and I also know that it means to risk and watch out for the most important thing in your life. I know Christopher’s your family,” Eddie brings his chin to rest on Buck’s head.

"Hey...Buck you're my family too. And I lost sight of that, but I promise that I will never forget that again. You’re too important for me to forget.” Buck doesn’t say anything but he hugs Eddie tighter.

“I thought I wasn’t good enough to be a part of your family Eddie…” Buck says in the smei-silent night of the apartment.

“Never again. Don’t think about that anymore Buck...you’re more than enough for me and Chris. We love you,” Eddie finished off as he kisses Buck on the forehead like he has for the past few weeks. Buck sighs in content and smiles as the next song comes on the radio.

_**Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes** _

**_But it's the only thing that I know_ **

**_When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes_ **

**_It is the only thing that makes us feel alive_ **

“I like this song,” Buck says as he closes his eyes but opens them when he feels Eddie getting up from the couch. Buck sits up and sees Eddie standing near the radio, turning it up slightly. He told his hand out to Buck.

“May I have this dance?”

“What?” No one has ever asked him to dance before and Buck is loving it.

“Dance with me.”

_**We keep this love in a photograph** _

**_We made these memories for ourselves_ **

**_Where our eyes are never closing_ **

**_Hearts are never broken_ **

**_And time's forever frozen still_ **

Buck smiles as he takes the offered hand and Eddie pulls him up. Buck puts one hand on Eddie’s hip and the other intertwines with Eddie’s. Eddie places his empty hand on Buck’s hip since his shoulder will tire his arm out faster.

_**So you can keep me inside the pocket of your ripped jeans** _

“I’ve never danced before,” Buck admits sheepishly and Eddie simply smiles.

“Follow my lead,” Eddie says gently as he takes one step back and Buck puts one foot forward. Soon they match pace.

_**Holding me closer 'til our eyes meet** _

After a moment, Eddie leans his forehead against Buck’s chest and inhales the scent that is so uniquely his. The dance is slow and perfect to them. It’s a step in the right direction. Eddie is ever so grateful that Buck is still his, and even though they haven’t put a label on it, he’s confident on where this might be going.

_**You won't ever be alone** _

Buck squeezing Eddie’s hand at this line and Eddie recoperates. If he could just stop right here and be finally free of everything, then he would. He loves this new love they are building. Buck smiles when he feels Eddie lift his head at look back at him. He isn’t sure how it happened, and he wouldn’t be able to tell anyone. But Buck felt his heart stop when Eddie leaned up to him slowly, giving him a chance to back out, (he didn’t), and he kissed Buck.

_**Wait for me to come home** _

Buck slid his eyes closed and tunes out the song as he brought both hands to cup Eddie’s face and kiss back. It’s their first official kiss and it feels like coming home. Because that’s what they are to each other.

_Home_

{~}{~}

“Ok we’re good!”

“Yes you are captain,” Says a voice from the loft and everyone sees Athena leaning over the rail.

“Athena! What are you doing here?” Bobby asked in surprise.

“Someone said you were ordering takeout for Christmas dinner.”

“I did vote turkey,” says Buck from next to Bobby. Everyone makes their way upstairs and is surprised when everyone yells.

“Merry Christmas!” Everyone minus Buck is taken by surprise at the surprise Christmas party. Everyone then disperses to find their families. Denny runs to Hen and gives her a big hug then goes to Buck.

“Uncle Buck!” Denny says from below him and Buck picks him up.

“Hey buddy! You’re getting so big!” Buck says, giving Denny a fake groan as he picks him up. Denny then wraps his arms around Buck.

“Thank you for giving me my mom on Christmas.” Denny says lowly and Buck simply hugs him tighter then puts him down.

“You put this together?” Hen asks from behind him and Buck smiles shyly.

“Yes he did. Buck, thanks for helping me with this. I think your New Year's resolution should be to use that head for good instead of evil.” Athena says as she comes up from behind him. Bringing her hand and gently squeezing his arm.

“He already has. After everything he’s done for me and Christopher, he really does have a heart of gold,” Eddie says as he comes to Athena’s side. Christopher in his arms.

“Buck!” Christopher reacts out for him and Buck takes him in his arms, holding him tightly.

“Hey Buckaroo,” Buck looks to the right and sees Carla coming up to him.

“Hey Carla!” Buck bends down so Carla can give him a kiss on the cheek and a hug.

“I can’t believe you did this,” Hen says in awe, taking in the decorations and music.

“Well, you inspired me. You know, I figured we should all get to immerse ourselves in the magic of Christmas.” Buck says as he points to the mistletoe above Hen and him. He holds his arm out, waiting for permission and kisses Hen on the cheek after she nods her head. Buck pulls away but Hen brings him back in for a hug. Chim, Eddie and Bobby then join the group hug while Buck can see Maddie taking pictures.

“You really are an amazing man Buck. You didn’t have to do all this,” Chim says from his right side.

“I know but I wanted to. Guess this is my gift to all of you guys.” Buck says and he feels the hug tighten. The hug then falls apart and Buck is facing Maddie when she gives him her own hug.

“How’d it go?”

“Well it wasn't easy but I'm really glad I did it, and I finally feel free,” Maddie says as she smiles at Buck. It widens when he brings her in for another hug.

“I’m so proud of you big sis”

“And I’m proud of you little bro. You’ve grown so much over the past few months. I know it couldn’t have been easy for you, but I’m so proud of the person you’ve become,” Maddie says in a genuine voice and Buck can feel himself tear up.

“Buck no sad face. It’s Christmas.” Christopher says and Buck looks down and sees him looking up him. Buck laughs and picks him up.

“I’m not sad buddy, I’m happy. Sometimes people can cry happy tears, and that’s ok.” Christopher smiles and him and Bobby calls everyone to dinner.

“We are grateful for this food, and we are grateful to have each other. Amen. All right, let's dig in.” Soon all that is heard is the cutting of cutlery on plates and excited chatter. Christopher sits in between Buck and Eddie and smiles to Buck whenever they make eye contact. After dinner, Buck is nursing a cup of hot apple cider and is watching everyone enjoying the party from the loveseat by the corner. He feels a presence behind him and sees Eddie looking down at him with love in his eyes and Buck feels himself melt under those eyes.

“Is this seat taken?” Eddie asks and Buck smiles and moves over for Eddie to sit. “What are you doing over here?”

“Just watching everyone have fun. I haven’t felt this happy in a while” Buck says with a fond smile and he looks to Eddie. “You know what I mean?” Eddie grabs Buck’s hands and kisses the corner of his mouth.

“I’m starting to,” Eddie then feels knows that Buck would have kissed him if not for the unmistakable sound of his son’s crutches coming towards them. Buck smiles and lifts Christopher to place him in the space in-between them. Christopher then reaches for Buck and he bends down to give Christopher another hug. He feels hug them both.

“Thank you for saving my son.” Eddie whispers and it can only be heard in their little bubble. Buck brings his arm out and wraps it around Eddie.

“Hey Buck?” He hums in response.

“Can I call you papa?” Well Buck wasn’t expecting that. He pulls back slightly and he looks to Eddie for help. Expecting him to have a look of anger or jealousy, but is taken aback when he has nothing but love and awe. Eddie nods yes and Buck nearly breaks down.

“Of course you can buddy…that’s totally fine by me,” Buck says, barely holding it together.

“I love you papa,” Christopher says, tightening his hold on Buck’s neck.

“I love you too Christopher,” All three of them say in their little bubble until one of the foster kids comes up to them, telling Christopher that it’s gift giving time.

Karen and Hen distribute gifts to the foster kids and while Christopher is playing pinball, Buck comes over and gives him a gift.

“Hey Christopher…what’s this?” Christopher’s face lights up as he tears the wrapping paper open and he squeals at his brand new toy firetruck. Buck helps him take it out of the packaging and Christopher doesn’t let go of it for the rest of the night. Buck gives Eddie’s abuela a gift as well and she smiles and kisses his cheek at the can of Syrian coffee.

“How did you know?” Abuela asks as she pats Buck’s cheek.

“I’m just that awesome Miss Helena.”

“None of that Helena stuff, you can call me abuela too mijo. I expect you at my house for my New Years tamales ok?”

“Yes mam-abuela,” Buck cuts himself off at the looks that she fixes him. She smiles and lightly squeezes Buck’s dimples before walking off. But not before thanking him.

“Thank you for making my Eddie so happy. I know he was being a pendego, but I’m so happy for the both of you.”

{~}{~}

After taking a group photo, the shift is over and Eddie takes Buck and Christopher home. Eddie tucks Chris in for the night while Buck puts the firetruck safely in his toy box. He wouldn’t want him to hurt himself or accidentally hit his head if he slept with it in bed.

Eddie finds Buck back in the kitchen, putting the leftovers in the fridge.

“Buck?” Eddie asks in a tone and it has Buck’s full attention.

“Yeah?” Buck closes the fridge door and faces Eddie but is confused when he doesn’t say anything. He takes a closer step to Eddie and is caught a little off guard when Eddie throws himself onto Buck. Hugging him close and tight, but Buck hugs him right back.

“Thank you for today Buck,” Said person sighs and tightens his hold.

“It was nothing.”

“It wasn’t nothing. It was everything. I thought I was going to break my son’s heart today. I thought this would be one of the worst Christmas’ of my life because I was missing it with my son, but you made sure I didn’t miss it. I’m so thankful for you Buck. You didn’t have to do that.”

“I did it because I love you Eddie and Christopher,” Eddie freezes at those three words. He pulls back slightly and looks up at Buck.

“What?”

“I love you Eddie.” Buck says brings his hands to rest them on the side of Eddie’s face, caressing his cheeks and running his fingers through the growing hair. This sends Eddie for a loop because it's the first time Buck has said it to him and it has him feeling tears welling up in his eyes.

“I love you too…I love you so much,” Eddie says as he blinks the tears away and he feels Buck’s lips on his own. He instantly returns it, wrapping his arms around Buck’s waist, pulling him closer. He feels Buck rubbing his temples while running his hands through his hair. Eddie then sees that it’s getting late and he can feel Buck beginning to grow slightly heavy against him.

“Time for bed, we have the day off tomorrow. Want to sleep in?” Eddie asks, breaking the kiss as he leads them to his bedroom.

“Yes, that sounds nice,” Buck says as he strips down to his t-shirt and boxers. Eddie does the same and he naturally gravitates closer to Buck. Eddie puts his arms around Buck’s middle and pulls him closer and Buck curls around Eddie. After a moment of basking in the comfortable silence of each other, Eddie speaks up.

“Thank you.”

“Now what are you thanking me for?” Buck asks in a groggy voice and Eddie nows he was teetering on the edge of sleep.

“For giving me a chance. A chance to make it up to you, to show you how much I’m thankful for you and how much I love you. To do hold you, to be with you and to do this” Eddie gently slides his finger under Buck’s chin and gives him a firm gentle kiss. “Thank you not giving up on me.”

“Never...it was hard for a long time but...be still my love, we made it. I’m not going anywhere,” Buck throws his arm around Eddie’s middle and pulls him impossibly closer. “I promise”. Eddie smiles at this action and kisses Buck one last time for the night before he feels Buck relax and drift to sleep.

It took almost 7.5 months to get to this point, and Eddie was thankful for every minute of it. Tomorrow, he’ll ask Buck if he can call him his boyfriend. Later, he’ll ask him to adopt Christopher as his own. And he knows further down the line, he’ll ask Buck to marry him. He has the ring ready in a box full of memories that is ready to be worn.

_He knows Buck will say yes and he can’t wait for that day to come._

* * *

AND DONE! Thanks for sticking by me on this!

Thanks for reading! Feel free to comment! 

Come say hi to me on my [Tumblr](https://chitownwolf.tumblr.com/)!

FYI: Might not be as active because 2nd semester of college has started! Plus 2 full time jobs but Love you all!


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